Christmas Blues
I usually refrain from ranting here for fear of hurting someone's feelings or getting in trouble with someone, but my feelings count too, and I need to express them. If any choose to read further, they have been fairly warned, and they should take note that this is not aimed at any one person. There are many cumulative factors, my own personal choices in life included, that lead to me crying my way through most Christmas seasons.
This is the eleventh year that I have been unable to celebrate Christmas the way I always celebrated Christmas in the past. That which was my favorite holiday has become a source of unhappiness, arguments, and bad feelings. I found myself whispering that I hate Christmas today as I drove through the rain, sobbing. I've become a Scrooge!
For eleven years, I haven't been able to decorate my home for Christmas. I haven't been able to fill my home with the scent of a freshly cut pine tree, or fall asleep on the couch listening to my favorite Christmas music while watching the colorful twinkling lights on the tree in an otherwise dark and quiet room. I haven't been able to buy presents for my family, fill my children's stockings, or set out gingerbread cookies and milk for Santa. I haven't spent Christmas eve and Christmas morning with my son Justin since 1994. My other children hardly even know what Christmas is, and they certainly have no idea who Santa is or what he does. The magic of Christmas is not allowed into my home, because my Muslim husband would be offended. I've been told I should do it anyway, and I've had that thought myself, but I don't think I'd really get much joy from it, knowing how unhappy I was making him. I miss the Christmas of my childhood, and it pains me that I can't share that joy with my own children.
My constant readers will know that I no longer consider myself either Christian or Muslim, but fall somewhere in the middle. I believe many things that Christians do, and many things that Muslims do (in fact, Christians and Muslims are often surprised to learn how many beliefs they have in common,) but I don't agree with everything taught by either religion. Certain Christian members of my family can't help making occasional snide or derogatory comments about Islam, others can't help but insist that I'm destined for Hell and that there's no way to avoid it unless I am a Christian. Certain Muslim members of my family can't help but chide me for not doing the required daily prayers or being more diligent about teaching them to my children. As far as I'm concerned, I will never be persuaded to one side or the other by snide remarks, pushy comments, or intolerance. I've been hurt by both poor examples of Christianity and poor examples of Islam, both of which drive me further from any set "religion" and more into my personal quest for what is right. God knows, whether anyone else knows or believes it or not, that I want nothing more than to please him and to be assured a place in heaven with my girls when this life is finished. He knows what I read, what I study, and what I pray in my search for answers and He alone knows my relationship with Him. The suffering I feel is not because of my lack of a relationship with God. It is because of intolerance on both sides of my family and the omnipresent lack of acceptance that I feel from any of them. That is not to say that they don't love me. I know that they all love me very much. However, I can't think of one person in my family (other than my youngest children) who accepts me just the way I am and doesn't want me to change to be more like them in their beliefs.
My Christmas wish is to be accepted for who I am and to be supported in my journey through this life as I learn and grow spiritually, rather than to be condemned for who I am not. To my family and friends: I love all of you, and I condemn none of you. For those who have faith in God, no matter what religion, I am glad of it, and for those who have none, I am sorry for you, but I don't condemn you, and I love you still. I will not try to force my beliefs on any of you nor change your beliefs, though if you ask, I will try to help you understand mine.
Thank you to those of you who have tried not to judge me and who are willing to agree to disagree. Thank you to those of you who have answered my questions honestly and engaged in civil discussion about religious beliefs without being either defensive or offensive. Thank you to those of you who have wished me love and peace, and may you receive twice what you wished for me.
Wishing all of you love, joy, comfort, and acceptance this holiday season,
*♥´¨)
¸.· ;♥¸.·*♥´¨) ¸.♥·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.♥· Nikki .♥·*¨)
This is the eleventh year that I have been unable to celebrate Christmas the way I always celebrated Christmas in the past. That which was my favorite holiday has become a source of unhappiness, arguments, and bad feelings. I found myself whispering that I hate Christmas today as I drove through the rain, sobbing. I've become a Scrooge!
For eleven years, I haven't been able to decorate my home for Christmas. I haven't been able to fill my home with the scent of a freshly cut pine tree, or fall asleep on the couch listening to my favorite Christmas music while watching the colorful twinkling lights on the tree in an otherwise dark and quiet room. I haven't been able to buy presents for my family, fill my children's stockings, or set out gingerbread cookies and milk for Santa. I haven't spent Christmas eve and Christmas morning with my son Justin since 1994. My other children hardly even know what Christmas is, and they certainly have no idea who Santa is or what he does. The magic of Christmas is not allowed into my home, because my Muslim husband would be offended. I've been told I should do it anyway, and I've had that thought myself, but I don't think I'd really get much joy from it, knowing how unhappy I was making him. I miss the Christmas of my childhood, and it pains me that I can't share that joy with my own children.
My constant readers will know that I no longer consider myself either Christian or Muslim, but fall somewhere in the middle. I believe many things that Christians do, and many things that Muslims do (in fact, Christians and Muslims are often surprised to learn how many beliefs they have in common,) but I don't agree with everything taught by either religion. Certain Christian members of my family can't help making occasional snide or derogatory comments about Islam, others can't help but insist that I'm destined for Hell and that there's no way to avoid it unless I am a Christian. Certain Muslim members of my family can't help but chide me for not doing the required daily prayers or being more diligent about teaching them to my children. As far as I'm concerned, I will never be persuaded to one side or the other by snide remarks, pushy comments, or intolerance. I've been hurt by both poor examples of Christianity and poor examples of Islam, both of which drive me further from any set "religion" and more into my personal quest for what is right. God knows, whether anyone else knows or believes it or not, that I want nothing more than to please him and to be assured a place in heaven with my girls when this life is finished. He knows what I read, what I study, and what I pray in my search for answers and He alone knows my relationship with Him. The suffering I feel is not because of my lack of a relationship with God. It is because of intolerance on both sides of my family and the omnipresent lack of acceptance that I feel from any of them. That is not to say that they don't love me. I know that they all love me very much. However, I can't think of one person in my family (other than my youngest children) who accepts me just the way I am and doesn't want me to change to be more like them in their beliefs.
My Christmas wish is to be accepted for who I am and to be supported in my journey through this life as I learn and grow spiritually, rather than to be condemned for who I am not. To my family and friends: I love all of you, and I condemn none of you. For those who have faith in God, no matter what religion, I am glad of it, and for those who have none, I am sorry for you, but I don't condemn you, and I love you still. I will not try to force my beliefs on any of you nor change your beliefs, though if you ask, I will try to help you understand mine.
Thank you to those of you who have tried not to judge me and who are willing to agree to disagree. Thank you to those of you who have answered my questions honestly and engaged in civil discussion about religious beliefs without being either defensive or offensive. Thank you to those of you who have wished me love and peace, and may you receive twice what you wished for me.
Wishing all of you love, joy, comfort, and acceptance this holiday season,
*♥´¨)
¸.· ;♥¸.·*♥´¨) ¸.♥·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.♥· Nikki .♥·*¨)
posted by Nikki | 3:20 PM
6 Comments:
This is a beautiful blog, Nikki and-once again-you have brought me to tears. I am happy that you are acknowledging your feelings. You should! You are so right to say that your feelings count and you should express them!
I can't imagine how hard it must be to want to do all of the holiday happenings and to share that with your children. It's a part of your childhood that you can't pass on to your own kids. I obviously don't have any solutions. The only thing I can say is that in my own childhood, everything was about Christmas or birthdays. Everything hung on that. That's why those memories are so special to me...and I suspect most of us who grew up this way.
But, I have read your blogs and the special things you do for your children on a daily basis. What a cool mom to make the heffalump cookies on a lark! And I know you do so much more. As much as you may feel they are missing out...I think that you create special days and memories for them that they will cherish into their adulthood just as much as you cherish your memories of Christmas.
I am so sorry that you have had to endure bad experiences from both sides of the religions. I had one at church tonight myself and it used to bother me so much, but I am not going to let this one steal my joy or shake my faith. This year I have finally realized that we are all just people and we are all so very flawed.
You are so right to say that ONLY God knows your heart and He knows how much you want to please Him and to be reunited with your girls. I have been praying for you, Nikki. Not for you to be persuaded one way or the other...but for God to lead you on a spiritual path that will give you the assurance you need to be at peace. I believe that God loves you right where you are.
I hope you know that you already have your wish, at least from God... he created you and he loves you more than any human could, and he is pleased when anyone seeks him in the spirit of truth.
My heart aches for you not getting to share the magic of the season with your children... it's so much about family traditions and passing on memories, but mostly it's about expressing love. Perhaps you have already or could develop some non-religious, very personal family traditions that can give you a legacy of celebratory memories. Like building a fire and drinking cocoa on the first day of winter. Maybe a first day of school celebration, where your children awaken to unwrap new clothes, school supplies, and other "big kid" things. (Hang up an empty backpack the night before, to be filled?) Or a "Mina and Layla Day," where you write a letter to the girls to tell them what you've done in the past year, eat their favorite sweets and give each other presents in their memory. Would K go for exchanging gifts on Eid ul-Adha in honor of Abraham's offering?
I know, not the same. But perhaps you can take time out for yourself this season to enjoy a cup of peppermint-laced hot cocoa (or whatever brings you the sweetest memories) and think on the treasures of memories in your heart.
Love always,
Jeanne
Thank you both so much for your kind words. Jeanne, I love your ideas. I've always tried too hard to find substitutes for Easter and Christmas instead of trying to create brand new things ... I don't know why I didn't think of that. We do have an Eid tradition, although we didn't get to do it this year, and there are gifts on Eid, though usually just for the children other than new clothes for everyone. I've tried Spring Day, which is suspiciously similar to Easter and very close to Easter, and doesn't fool K at all. We could try it on the first of spring, though, and celebrate all the other seasons as well. I know I'll still miss Christmas, but I feel a little happier ... thank you!
Here's a thought for Eid: I've seen this as a stocking alternative: camel bags! You make the bags out of burlap or similar rustic fabric, hang them over a chair like saddlebags (a pocket on each side) and fill them with treats and treasures.
Camel bags-- really, how much more Abrahamic can you get?
:)Jeanne
I think you've been given some great ideas on how to do things in a way that would make you happy and wouldn't offend your husband. What you need to consider is this. I read this part of your post "but I don't think I'd really get much joy from it, knowing how unhappy I was making him. I miss the Christmas of my childhood, and it pains me that I can't share that joy with my own children." and I thought- how happy is HE knowing how unhappy this is making you? Why should you be unhappy for his happiness? Give and take... that's what marriage is about. Use some of the wonderful suggestions here and find your own family traditions that will make you happy yet ALSO not make him unhappy. There has to be a happy medium somewhere.. where you can both meet in the middle.
With that said, I can sympathize with how you feel. I would feel the same way if I was unable to celebrate Christmas! I would also be very sad. *hugs*
"and I thought- how happy is HE knowing how unhappy this is making you? Why should you be unhappy for his happiness?"
Yeah! So we reopened the discussion ... to no avail. :-(
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