Layla

Layla at 1.

When Layla was born, we lived in Queens, New York. My mom likes to tell that story. She had come to New york to keep Mina while Layla was being born. When I finally went into labor, K and I walked a few blocks to the bus stop, waving at Mina who was crying at the kitchen window, transferred to another bus which took us to the subway, rode the subway into Manhattan, and walked another 5 blocks or so (carrying all our gear for the hospital, of course) to the Mount Sinai Hospital, across the street from Central Park. Mina and I had such a hard time being separated that I petitioned the doctor to let me go home less than 24 hours after Layla was born. We took a taxi for the return trip! The next day, we were on the bus again as we went shopping for a rocking chair. If I wasn't exhausted already, I was by the time we got home. I've since learned to take full advantage of the time I'm allowed to stay in the hospital for childbirth!


Layla at 2.

Layla was our cuddler. When she was tired, her two middle fingers would go in her mouth while she would hold an ear (preferably the ear of someone cuddling her, but her own would do) with her other hand. Mina was a mama's girl, but Layla was anyone's girl.


Layla at 3.

Layla loved Powerpuff Girls and Hamtaro. She loved to play with her horses. She would line them up the way Layth now lines up his cars. Although she would play with Mina, she was happy playing by herself. Mina would seek out a playmate, but Layla was happy to amuse herself in a quiet corner. She drew beautiful pictures. The puppies she drew were very childlike, but she made great use of color that took up the whole page. My favorite picture of hers is of a rainbow. I was asking her about the picture and what all the components were. There was the rainbow, of course, and rain, and a rock. There was a little triangle near the rock that seemed out of place. I asked her what it was, and she thought for a moment before informing me that it was a piece of pizza that someone dropped.


Layla at 4.

Layla preferred being at home with me to going to school, and though we tried preschool for several months, we finally gave in and let her stay home. She had a little dance she would do when she was happy. I called it her "happy dance." I'm very creative when naming things like that. We have a cat we call "Cat," Maya's bunny is "Bunny," and Layth's puppy is "Puppy." See? Creativity at its best. Layla's happy dance was much like Snoopy's dance. Nose up in the air, a happy look on her face, and her little feet just dancing away. I loved her Hamtaro dance, too. She'd dance along with Hamtaro at the end of each episode.

Layla had a special bond with her Daada (K's father.) On their last visit together, she asked him if it was necessary to cry every time they said goodbye. She told him to please not cry, because she would see him again. Although I can't quite imagine that anyone could miss my daughters more than I do, I think he just might. She has comforted me in several dreams (see Flights of Fancy,) and came to her Daada when he was near death a few months after we lost her. He's doing better now, but I know he can't wait to be reunited with them again. I have so much to live for now that I can wait a little longer than I first thought, but I sure look forward to that reunion, too.

When you lose a young child, it's easy to forget that they were ever any trouble and to just remember how perfect they were. I never want to give my young children the idea that they could never live up to the memories of Mina and Layla, so I ground myself from time to time by making myself remember just how much trouble they could get into! I remember threatening (not seriously, but still) to send Layla to military school because she was such a troublemaker, although I can't for the life of me remember now what she did that was so bad. I do remember her slipping away from us at a mall one time ... twice! The first time we found her hiding in a clothing rack in a nearby store. The second time, someone saw us looking frantically around and pointed us toward a shoe store, where she was hiding under a bench, gleefully watching the shopkeepers glower at us for being such bad parents. I remember a lot of coloring on walls and furniture. I remember her being too busy playing to bother with going to the bathroom, which resulted in a lot of extra laundry for me to wash. I also remember lovely cuddles in both her bed and ours and the joy of watching her dance. I remember how gentle she was with the cat and how much she loved baby Layth. I remember the night she was a hero. Mina had let Cinnamon the hamster get away from her, and he scurried into a cranny under the kitchen cabinets. We couldn't get him to come out and didn't know what to do. Hours later, Layla spotted the hamster out in the open, scooped him up, and offered him to Mina, singing, "Mina, I have a present for you!"

I guess I also remember that she wasn't very good at listening to us or responding to "no," which is why she was so far out in the lake to begin with, but I can't dwell on that. Layth and I scattered roses on the graves today and sang "Happy Birthday" to Layla. I can't believe that I've celebrated as many of her birthdays without her now as I had with her, that she would be eight and in second grade. I know life isn't fair, but it hasn't stopped me from thinking "it's not fair" all day long today. I bought windchimes for her birthday today and hung them on the balcony. Layth and I have been enjoying their soothing sound all evening. K isn't a big fan of windchimes, so isn't as enamored of them as we are. They're pretty loud ... I wonder if they'll always ring this much or if it's just particularly windy tonight. They might even start to be too much for me if they're this melodious all the time.

I miss you so much, my little Layla, and I'll love you always. Happy birthday.