Hanging On For Dear Life
The past couple of weeks are taking their toll on me. Big things, little things - it seems like the universe is testing my strength right now, piling on one thing after another just to see how much I can bear. Just in the past two weeks:
1. Can't figure out how to get to Texas for my Nana's last weekend.
2. Loss of my Nana.
3. Can't figure out how to get to Texas to be with my family.
4. Memories of the loss of the girls are stirred up by the loss of Nana.
5. Realization that all the little bruises on Maya's back and occasional swellings scarily close to her spine have been caused by Layth when I wasn't looking.
6. Rayan's refusal to stay in bed or to respond to any form of discipline.
7. The increasing antagonization between Maya and Rayan.
8. A much-too-realistic dream of losing Layth and Maya.
9. K's long hours making me feel like a single parent.
10. Destruction of my long-awaited LCD TV, a wonderful surprise gift from K, by Layth and Rayan.
11. Watching a friend suffer over a seemingly unavoidable move.
12. Being asked to keep a sad secret that is a heavy burden to bear.
13. Finding out that the economy is affecting us after all and that K's contract is not expected to be renewed, resulting in yet another job hunt and move.
As I write this, I am at war with myself, reminding myself that what is meant to be will be, knowing that what is meant to be may or may not be as great as what is, and both knowing and rejecting the pain that my deep love for this place and its people is going to cause me when this all sinks in.
I need to count my blessings quickly, before despair sets in!
1. I've been blessed with seven beautiful, bright children.
2. I have a loyal, faithful husband who works hard to support his family.
3. I was blessed to have two of my great-grandparents long enough to remember them (11 and 16 years,) my grandmothers well into my adulthood (28 and 39 years,) and to still have both of my grandfathers and both of my parents.
4. Though I mourn the loss of my TV and K is forever trying to pay off our credit cards, we are comfortable, have a lovely home, reliable cars, and plenty of food.
5. Maya is finally potty-trained.
6. I have the biggest support group I've ever had, and have no doubt that these amazing women will be here for me if I need shoulders to cry on.
7. I've been so fortunate to have lived in so many wonderful places, and though this is my favorite, I have no doubt that I will find things to love about the next place, too.
8. I've been able to visit Mt Rainier several times, and have marvelled at the winter wonderland it becomes when buried under many feet of snow.
9. As K pointed out last weekend, once we were living in the tiny cubicle of a hospital-appointed flat near London, sleeping on two twin beds pushed together and trying to ignore the painful raised frame between the two, and on Sunday we were in the Top of Vancouver rotating restaurant enjoying a gorgeous view of Vancouver over a delicious buffet brunch with our beautiful (if boisterous) children. How lucky is that??
10. I have cupcakes.
11. I may be TV-less, but I have a great computer and my Blackberry, so I can always feel connected.
12. I love to read, so I have an escape route when I need a break from reality once in a while.
13. I have a great relationship with my grown son, who actually tells me things and values my advice.
14. I am relatively healthy, with all my limbs, all my digits, and all my senses.
There - more blessings than complaints, and I do feel better, after all. Now all I need is a visit to my happiness page and I should finally be able to sleep.
1. Can't figure out how to get to Texas for my Nana's last weekend.
2. Loss of my Nana.
3. Can't figure out how to get to Texas to be with my family.
4. Memories of the loss of the girls are stirred up by the loss of Nana.
5. Realization that all the little bruises on Maya's back and occasional swellings scarily close to her spine have been caused by Layth when I wasn't looking.
6. Rayan's refusal to stay in bed or to respond to any form of discipline.
7. The increasing antagonization between Maya and Rayan.
8. A much-too-realistic dream of losing Layth and Maya.
9. K's long hours making me feel like a single parent.
10. Destruction of my long-awaited LCD TV, a wonderful surprise gift from K, by Layth and Rayan.
11. Watching a friend suffer over a seemingly unavoidable move.
12. Being asked to keep a sad secret that is a heavy burden to bear.
13. Finding out that the economy is affecting us after all and that K's contract is not expected to be renewed, resulting in yet another job hunt and move.
As I write this, I am at war with myself, reminding myself that what is meant to be will be, knowing that what is meant to be may or may not be as great as what is, and both knowing and rejecting the pain that my deep love for this place and its people is going to cause me when this all sinks in.
I need to count my blessings quickly, before despair sets in!
1. I've been blessed with seven beautiful, bright children.
2. I have a loyal, faithful husband who works hard to support his family.
3. I was blessed to have two of my great-grandparents long enough to remember them (11 and 16 years,) my grandmothers well into my adulthood (28 and 39 years,) and to still have both of my grandfathers and both of my parents.
4. Though I mourn the loss of my TV and K is forever trying to pay off our credit cards, we are comfortable, have a lovely home, reliable cars, and plenty of food.
5. Maya is finally potty-trained.
6. I have the biggest support group I've ever had, and have no doubt that these amazing women will be here for me if I need shoulders to cry on.
7. I've been so fortunate to have lived in so many wonderful places, and though this is my favorite, I have no doubt that I will find things to love about the next place, too.
8. I've been able to visit Mt Rainier several times, and have marvelled at the winter wonderland it becomes when buried under many feet of snow.
9. As K pointed out last weekend, once we were living in the tiny cubicle of a hospital-appointed flat near London, sleeping on two twin beds pushed together and trying to ignore the painful raised frame between the two, and on Sunday we were in the Top of Vancouver rotating restaurant enjoying a gorgeous view of Vancouver over a delicious buffet brunch with our beautiful (if boisterous) children. How lucky is that??
10. I have cupcakes.
11. I may be TV-less, but I have a great computer and my Blackberry, so I can always feel connected.
12. I love to read, so I have an escape route when I need a break from reality once in a while.
13. I have a great relationship with my grown son, who actually tells me things and values my advice.
14. I am relatively healthy, with all my limbs, all my digits, and all my senses.
There - more blessings than complaints, and I do feel better, after all. Now all I need is a visit to my happiness page and I should finally be able to sleep.
posted by Nikki | 1:57 AM
4 Comments:
That is a lot to bear. I'm so sorry for you and wish I could help in some way. All I know to do is pray. I love your list of happy things and can't wait to check out your "happiness" page. I need one of those!
Bethany :)
P.S. I wish I had cupcakes! :)
Thinking about you - you have a lot on your plate!! Take care and eat one of those cupcakes for me.
Please know I am 100% here for you Nikki! Life is so unpredictable but friends are there FOREVER! Love ya girl and I'll be praying sweet prayers for you and the family! You are going through so much, I wish there was something I could do to take some of the heartache...just want to give you big hugs!
Still can't believe you may be leaving, but won't think about that till or "if" it happens! thank god for FaceBook hey! At least our pets will still get to play together..lol!
Nikki, please know I am thinking of you. Your plate is full and still you to take the time to remember the positives! Many loving thoughts are flowing your way.
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