Anxiety

Maya and Layth

We had lovely prolonged cuddles with our children the other night, but unlike some parents who might just doze off contentedly with their warm and snuggly little ones, we lay awake feeling anxious. Why? Well, I'll tell you.

When Mina and Layla were with us, they weren't allowed into our bed to cuddle until it was light outside. By some blessed chance, on their last night on this earth, I allowed them to sleep the whole night in our bed. K has missed those cuddles so much that he has tried on several occasions to get Layth to sleep with us, but Layth wouldn't sleep unless he was in his own bed. So when Layth climbed out of his bed (a recent accomplishment) in the wee hours of the morning and found his way into our bed to cuddle quietly, we didn't feel much like sending him back to his own bed. Indeed, it reminded us of how it felt to cuddle Layla. As we lay there in the bittersweet predawn darkness, Maya woke with an uncharacteristic restlessness and wouldn't go back to sleep until I brought her into the crowded bed. As the children lingered on the edge of sleep, we lay in quiet wakefulness, unaware that we were both thinking the same thing until K whispered, "Take care of them today."

I would normally take offense at such a comment, because I take care of them every day, but I knew what he meant. When we last cuddled Mina and Layla like that, we had no idea that would be the last time. I'm not a superstitious woman, but I felt anxious as I buckled the children into the car and refused to let Justin drive, just in case. We made it through the day without incident, though I did have an epiphany during our trip to Ft Worth.

I've been unhappy about the fact that the private practice K has joined doesn't cover insurance for the family, so our coverage is going to be very expensive. When I lost the girls, I said I'd give up everything I had to have them back. If I were to lose one or more of my remaining three children, I'd say the same thing. Well, I have them. They're here, they're happy (sulky teenager notwithstanding,) and they're healthy. Suddenly, I have no complaints about the cost of insurance.